The Jivamala
An Abused and Vengeful Shamaness

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The Life Of Kira

For those with psychic abilities in their past lives, the kinds of difficulties that result are unusual and sometimes require unusual remedies. In the case of Kira who allowed herself to be possessed by a powerful entity, a bond was created that had to be broken in order to overcome the bondage of that life. The strong negative emotion of this life required a great deal of purification to cleanse its negatives effects. This life also shows the helpful aspect of the Bhairava when it comes to freeing souls.

One unusual aspect of the following life history is the detail in Kira's description of her afterlife in the Asura world. The Asura world is one of the six realms of rebirth in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, and the world in which Kira finds a new life.

Finally, note an important statement about learning from experience that Kira utters in Section Ten below. It is a statement that is repeated by all beings who are able to learn from their mistakes in life. The statement is: "I will not do that again".

Section One: A Child of Hatred
I am an ebony bead on your necklace of lives, with sharp points and poisoned spines. I come out raging, horrifically, or silently. I exist as pure rage and hatred, fed by the poison of your lives. There are none that I love.

I am cold steel, and hard carapace. My softness has been burned away. I lived in a village where I was hated, and I would not let them conquer me. You think I lived in Europe, but you are wrong. I lived in Southeast Asia, and my bloodthirsty demons were the ancestors of my tribe. The war in Vietnam did not elicit new rituals of horror - it brought back the old ones: mass tribal slaughter, reveling in blood, skulls as doorposts, the torture of enemies - these were traditions from long ago. The ancestors were angered, and they fed on pain and blood.

I was a soldier, a women, and I brought the steaming offerings to them (the ancestors). I hid on the battle field, bringing skulls of blood as offerings to the dark ones who cursed rather than blessed.

My family had been a house of hatred, and I was unwanted, useless, for only a son was of value. I was cast off as a child, living in the jungle, and eating garbage and dead animals. Sometimes I lived with other outcasts and sometimes I lived alone. Nobody wasted their food on me. When I was in my teens and grew breasts, men would use me and give me food. I despised them. I sought only revenge.

I found a dark priest of the old rites - a thin old man who took me in as a servant and bedmate. I learned the ways of the ancient gods from him - the dark ancestors who lived unhappy lives, and seek forever to destroy the world. I came to understand them and their world view. I too sought destruction.

Section Two

I lived as a creature of the wastelands, on insects and dead animals, and my village would not shelter me, for they hated my family. I was a product of rape by an enemy warrior and the 'father' would not accept the child of an enemy foisted upon his wife. Eventually, he cast her out and chose a younger wife. He hated me as an alien. My mother hated me as the cause of her shame, and later as the cause of the destruction of her marriage. I tried to go back once and speak with her, but she would have nothing to do with me. She hated me and told me that she would kill me with her own hands if she saw me again. I was eleven years old.

To my village, I was an enemy. I never knew who had fathered me, though I believe he was from one of the village camps to the west of our village. They were the most brutal in their raids, spearing infants one upon another on their spears.

I hated violently and I still hate - nothing will put out the flames. Later I saw the traditions of the Buddha, but that has always been for cowards. I may be angry, violent, hated, but I am not a coward. I will not renounce my hatred for those who deserve to be hated.

I worshiped the snake god, he of deadly poison, and I became a snake. My eyes glowed with green fire, and my teeth dripped with deadly poison. He became myself more than I was. I was the snake, and he let me crawl through the grass and kill my enemies silently as they slept. I had no pangs of conscience, and no sexual desire. The poison made me indifferent to the lying and disgusting touch of men, and let me hide in the dark corners without being seen.

My god was Khepra Nag, snake-ancestor of my people. He was left in the dust when new gods came in, and he hated them for it. Nobody worshiped him or his snake demons. Only the old man knew of him and gave him blood - him and myself, his dark and young assistant.

Section Three

I crawled in the high grass at night and slept in caves. I swore revenge on those who hated me, who made my life a living hell.

I poisoned my father - I left poisoned thorns on the mat to his house, and he walked on them barefoot. I got the poison from the old man, who kept snakes in a dark pit. I poisoned him when I was eighteen, when he found me one night and tried to rape me. He did not know who I was. I told him I was his daughter, but he said he would rape me, and then kill me. I had my revenge.

My mother had threatened to kill me, but I let her be. She never really tried to do it, and she went insane when she was deserted. She walked naked, and was tied up by some distant relatives.

I never found my blood-father. There were many possible warriors - none were certain.

Section Four

I had no friends in the village - I knew only animals. Because my birth was shameful, I was outcast.

I lived out in the jungle with the old man. I met him when I was eleven. He had been a priest of the old religion, but he had been tortured and gone a little mad. He still had his rituals, and the leaves on which things were written, but he would wake up at night screaming, dripping with sweat. They had pulled out many of his teeth, and crushed the toes of one foot, very slowly, over days and weeks. Invaders had heard that he knew of treasure, and they tortured him for it. His only treasure had been the belief in his gods, but they never stole that away from him. He just came to include other gods.

The blood-drinking ancestors are an ancient tradition in our village. My god-ancestor was a great snake, poisonous and powerful. I also worshiped his dragon retinue, and the lion-headed crocodile, but no goddesses, for females were always in misfortune. I dressed myself in a cast-off snake's skin, with a crown with a ruby eye.

Section Five: The Bhairava Breaks the Bond

At this point, the Bhairava intervenes to break the bond between Kira and the snake-god so that the god no longer has a claim on the individual soul. The connection is severed, and the bond with the snake-god is destroyed.

Section Six

I took the name Kira - I will not tell you my true name. I vowed never to tell anybody my true name. I was disgraced by my village. The old man called me snake goddess. He worshiped at my feet, hissing like a snake. I was disgusted by him, but I had nowhere else to go.

I was never a great warrior, but I was a survivor, for I was not proud. For brief periods I was a soldier of sorts, traveling and working for wealthy people. I was a women's bodyguard, a servant, a cook, and a trail guide. I took people through the jungle who sought treasure and trade, sometimes even to distant lands where elephant ivory could be found.

Sometimes I would be possessed by dark gods, and people would give offerings and avert their eyes, asking for blessings. I would sway like my snake god, and they would become hypnotized, staring at me glassily as his eyes shown out through mine. He was everything. I was nothing.

Section Seven: The Death and Afterlife of Kira

I traveled until I was caught in a war. I fell asleep at night beneath a tree in a secluded area, and in the morning there I was in the middle of a battle. Men with spears and jeweled belts killed each other, and one with a jeweled turban over-saw the slaughter. I was slain by a spear to my stomach.

I died, but my passions did not die. I sought my demons in the afterlife - the only beings who could drown out the pain of my life. But I was only a ghost, a wraith, and I could not participate in their adventures. My soul went on, while I was left here as a shell - a personality without the power given by souls.

I have lived in this land of shades, and of garbage - a wasteland. I am not a full being, but a partial one. I live in memories and dreams, but I cannot live a real life.

Section Eight: What Would You Like?

What would I like? I want a new name, and to be validated. I want to find a place where I am wanted, and not cast out into the darkness. I want to be baptized into a tribe of warriors and lovers, where my skills can be appreciated.

I want to be human, not animal. I have been torn apart, and I want to be made whole. But I will not submit to harsh leaders who force me against my will, who will not support me, and leave me to survive on my own.

I will scream and cry out until I am heard. I am trapped here, an empty shell of pain. Life must be changed.

What would make me content, when my life has been a torture and only demons make it bearable - which you have removed (the Bhairava had cut Kira's connection to her demon friends at this point)? In my group, angry ghosts become demonesses, and are worshiped. I am angry and I suppose I am a ghost. I am not happy as a ghost. I want to be turned into a demoness.

What is a demoness? A demoness is a powerful woman who is respected, who is given offerings, and whose threats are taken seriously. A demoness is dark but beautiful, not condemned for dark skin. Her darkness makes her eyes shine more brightly. She can ride great birds and dragons through the air, and none can threaten her. She can make the winds and clouds do what she chooses. She can have revenge on those who insult, or harm her.

My voice would echo through the great thunderclouds, and through the mountains. My demon army would follow me, protecting me and conquer all threats. Evil men would run away, and mothers with children would bow their heads.

I would be a warrior princess, a great yogi warrior, and a bearer of a two-sided sword. I would ride on horses whose nostrils blew fire.

Section Nine: The Bhairava Frees the Trapped Being,
Giving Her a New Existence in the Asura World

I thank you. I thank you with all that remains in me of a heart. I have been taken from this land of darkness and pain, and given a new life. I thank you.

I am in a land of raw beauty, of lighting and thunder and mountains. I am no longer Kira. I am Aui of the mountains. Your Bhairava lord came to me in my agony, and asked if I was willing to follow him into a new world. I did not wish to go - I felt that he might be leading me into a trap - but he said he came at your request, and that the land he would lead me to would be a good one, and I would be happy there.

I thought happiness was a joke, but he was serious, and said he would not take me if I did not wish to go. I thought of being trapped in the darkness with memories of horror, and thought few worlds could be worse. So I agreed.

He created a black horse for me to ride, and gave me a true warrior's robe - red and shining, edged in black. He gave me a crown of gold and rubies and said that I was a queen. Had I any tears left, I would have cried. He gave me a great curved sword, with rubies in the handle, for my own.

He opened the skies, and he too rode a horse of smoky gray. He had the form of a silver warrior, and we rode along a path of silver nuggets. The blackness became clouds, and then a thunderhead sky with a few stars. We were in another world.

He said this was the world of warriors, where strong and brave people battled for survival, and for dominance. He said that though officially I had no soul, I was conscious and therefore could have another body. He gave me a divine spark, a partial soul, so that I could grow and change.

He asked if there was anything else I wanted. I asked about my friends the demons. He said that I could be friends with them if I wished, but if I were to be possessed by them, I would be caught again in the hell worlds, of darkness and horror and endless memory.

He said that he would know if I were possessed, and that I would not have another chance at rescue.

I thanked him for the rescue, and asked what I owed him. He said, "Nothing, it had been your choice." Then I owe you. I asked only for food and shelter. He gave me a small stone castle, built of grey rock, with a storehouse of grain, and dry meat. He said that I could trade for fruit and vegetables, and created a handful of jewels.

He is a great emperor, this lord Bhairava, a great and good man. How often will a person give you everything, and ask for nothing in return? He actually disappeared - he actually wanted nothing in return. And he made me a warrior-queen, fulfilling my dreams. My black horse has ribbons, and a saddle with high curves. My fortress has fields around it, where people can grow rice someday. It is like a temple.

I know that there are other warriors here, and that we will fight or marry. Your great lord gave me another gift. I only saw it in the waters. He made my skin fair.

How do you come to know such a great lord? My demons are nothing by comparison. I must learn to be like you, to find people who are truly noble - gifts for no reason - generosity only to help one who has suffered. Who has heard of such a thing? Religions are only for the power and wealth of priests - this is something else. It is a new chance at life.

Section Ten: Aui of the Mountains

I want to tell you of my new world. The great lord called it the land of the Asuras, but I call it paradise. I am out of the darkness, of being thrown away by people and living behind garbage, and have come to a real land where I am respected.

People from other towns have come to me here. They asked how I came, and I said that I did not know, but a great lord brought me here. Their ways are unfamiliar to me, but they take me as a friend and as an equal, so I will learn from them. People here seem larger and stronger than in my past, and the weather is cooler and less humid. We are not in a jungle here, but in an area more rocky and mountainous.

It is important that you know that I have decided to renounce my demons. They have great power too, and they could have brought me a to world like this but would not, for they are selfish. They care only for their own battles, not for mine. They used me, and I agreed to it for I was alone and frightened. I will not do that again.

I will sell jewels, and fill my small castle with beautiful things. I will grow and learn as your lord said that I may.

Section Eleven

I want to tell you of my adventures. In this new life, it is as if my old pain and darkness is being washed away, and a new one substituted. I cannot thank your lord enough - did he plan all of this for me? The jewels he gave me so carelessly will feed me for ten years, and having my own land makes all the difference in the world. Nobody can simply throw me out - I will fight for what is mine. He made my skin fair, and that is valuable to the people here. I am considered to be beautiful by others. I have never had that experience where people see me as pretty and strong. It is so strange.

People have offered to work the land here, and I will pay them with half of the crops, and land in the far corner where they can build houses. The river runs past there. So they can get water. They seem to be willing to work without stealing, and harming others.

I am furnishing the house. It already has great tables and benches but I saw tapestries at the market, and I will put these on the walls. I will also get bright pillows.

A priest has come by, and asked me to be a Christian. I no longer worship the demons, but I will not worship a god without knowing him. I told the priest I would think about it, and learn from him.

Section Twelve

I am happy to have you as my friend. It is like having a god inside me to talk to. I have been serving meals to the poor people here, for I have enough money to make much bread, and gather small amounts of meat. I do not want the people here to have to steal to eat, as I once had to. So once a week I give meals, and I let them take some extra bread for the week. Of those who work the land, I give them enough pay so that they are able to eat with extra money to build a house and buy warm clothes.

I do not know my future here. But I have been making the fortress-house into a home. I have been willing to fight bandits and other warriors, including some neighboring war-lords, who heard I was a woman alone, and came to attack me. But they did not take their men which was a mistake, for my men here fought them, and seriously wounded one of them. They will not make the same mistake again.

I have been training some of the farmers here to be men-at-arms, and they have been glad to bear a sword, and fight to defend their land. Now that they have small plots, and some of them have finished houses instead of mud and thatch huts, they have something worth defending, and they fight with hope and with dedication. I have hired a warrior from the town to teach them, and he is happy doing it, for they are not vain aristocrats who look down upon him because he is old and has lost his land. Instead they respect him for his age and knowledge, and look up to him as a hero of past battles. He has told me that he looks to some of the younger men as potential warriors, and that some of their sons have great possibilities. For those farmers who are married, there are wives and daughters on the land. My warrior-teacher puffs out his chest and makes long strides when he walks near them.

The priest has told me that if I join the church, I will gain alliances with powerful lords. I cannot hold this land forever with only farmers. I may have to join his church for political reasons. If I do, I will not worship his god in my heart, or the demons. I will worship only the great lord, your friend and you who brought me to this place.

Section Thirteen

I am glad to have you present again. I cannot but think of what my life has been, and how it has changed. You and your lord have made it so.

I do not know if time here is the same as time where you are. But several months have passed since we first spoke. The priest here has introduced me to the bishop who came recently to visit. I told him that I was uncertain in my faith, and he approved of this. He said that really, all people are uncertain, whether of their religion, or of their salvation. He said that he admired my honesty, but that I should become a Christian despite my doubts. He said that baptism would save me in the end, and that if it did not, I had only lost an hour of dryness. (I don't smile much even now but he did have a sense of humor). He also said that the church could help me defend my land, until I found another husband (I told him I was a widow, and had come here from a land at war when my husband died and my lands were overrun).

There is no man here I wish to marry, and I don't believe in salvation by droplet, but the help with defense may be necessary. As payment goes, there could be worse than being doused by water. I have seen some rituals, and it seems that people simply stand and sing, and listen to a person at the front of the room teaching them. Only he reads their holy book, and he tells the people what is in it. Nobody seems to want to read it themselves - they are satisfied to listen. He says what makes their god happy.

I have not been in any major battles yet, but there have been small skirmishes. Men come in at night, stealing from the crops, and some houses have been set on fire. The bishop says that if I join the church, he will announce that I am under his protection. This means that his soldiers will come to attack any group that attacks me. The priest has already spoken in the church about how immoral landowners have attacked innocent women. He was speaking about me, imagine! My farmers have been talking, and apparently I have developed a reputation for charity. If only they knew why.

The church people that I have met have been nice, not corrupt like the really wealthy ones. I have not really met other interesting people. I have heard of old ladies who are healers, and of magicians who have not joined the church. I must think of my options here, and the best way to lead this life.

Section Fourteen

It is a long time since we have spoken, my friend. I light a candle for you every night, and for the lord who rescued me from peril, and the darkness of the night. I know you call him Bhairava, but I call him Lord of Bright Light. I thank him every day.

My life has been happy here - I would never have dreamed it possible. I made my peace with the bishop, and agreed to be baptized, and in return, he is willing to ignore my true beliefs. He said he would not persecute me for ignorance - that once I was baptized, I would grow in faith, quickly or slowly. This is agreeable to me - I can pray as I choose, and be under his protection.

I must share some news with you. I met the neighboring landowner here who wishes to marry me. He is not of noble blood, but was a farmer who worked hard, and amassed wealth and land. He had fought battles, and had been rewarded with deeds of land after he saved the life of a lord. He is hardworking, and not proud, and he knows how to read. He is Christian because it is the only language of religion he knows. I have told him that I have supernatural things happen to me, and he is happy to listen.

I believe that the land in which I have found myself is similar to your Ireland. It is rocky rather than having rich soil, and there are many sacred places here. I hear many stories of the fay people, who take humans from one world to another, and I think that what happened to me was perhaps not so unusual. I just went from hell into a world like heaven by comparison.

I suppose it is not really heaven. Life here is hard, and people must work to gain food and clothing. But it is so much better than my past. I hope that your speaking with me does not sadden you, for you have given me a great gift which I will never forget. Do not see speaking with me as an obligation. I want only your happiness, as you have given me happiness, and peace.

The land is growing, and my people are happy. I think I will marry Ioain, and I will let my land be farmed by the people who live here. I will lease the land to them, and for ten years, they will take all of its goods for themselves, except for taxes to the town, and the King. It will be a gift to them from my wedding. They will be very happy. My demons are long gone. Instead I have peace and the work of earth.

This is the end of the communication with Kira (or Aui by her new name).

To continue with the Jivamala practice, click on the link below, and go on to the third life:

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